The Captain at the State Fair

Captain Catastrophe here.

It's been a while, but something kind of happened today that I had to share.

Many of you that know me personally know that this year I went to State Fair quite a bit. Now, I'm really NOT a big State Fair fan. I mean, agriculture is not a big thing for me and frankly looking eyeball to eyeball what will later be a delicious main course isn't my idea of a good time.

But I live in West Allis these days and see it almost as a point of civic pride to go. And our State Fair IS ranked one of the top fifty state fairs in the entire United States. Pretty much.

Think about it. What would State Fair in New Jersey be like? Well, folks, step right up and see the toxic waste disposal exhibit. Pet the oozing barrels of chemical substrate. I bet we're at least ahead of New Jersey. At least.

Anyway, been eating too many items on a stick--never thought I'd express that sentiment--and my tummy ache is clearly going to take another nice evening of trips to the bathroom to clear up.

Oh, goody.

Apparently beer is something a lot of people drink at the Fair. Me? I find the Maple Syrup Root Beer. Why? First, it's $1.50 and everything else down there is $3.00. And I mean everything. Cream puff? $3.00. Pretzel? $3.00. Chicken wings? $3.00. Corn dog? $3.00. Opportunity to perform surgery on a horsey? $3.00. Everything. Corn on the cob, oddly, is $2.50. They must have missed the memo.

The other reason is that Root Beer has more sugar than any other drink I've ever tried. Unbelievable amounts. I've had some German company here for German Fest and some relations this past months. On two separate occasions, these funny little foreigners have tried root beer and both said it tasted like the same thing: Bubble Gum. Obviously, these people eat too much pork to know what is tastes good. It's sad, really. I cry for them.

On the first Saturday of the Fair, I went with some friends (I won't mention who to protect Chrissy) and we saw this cow. It was a psychopathic cow.

The cow kept sticking its tongue out and it looked really funny. So comedian that I am, I decide to try to take a picture of the cow with the tongue hanging out. Only problem: I have a digital camera.

It's a great camera. Lots of bells and whistles but it suffers from the same malady as all digital cameras and most senior citizens: when you finally give it the go-ahead it takes it's sweet time and often misses the important event completely. Thus you push the button and a second later the picture is taken. But when a tongue is going in and out and seemingly random intervals; it's hard to catch the funny cow. For digital cameras, you miss the shot. With senior citizens, mainly they miss the toilet bowl.

Well, one of those 4H type kids was watching with some amusement my problem as I took shot after shot of the cow and not catching the tongue hanging out. She comes up to me and says, "Are you trying to get a picture of the cow with its tongue out?"

"No," I wanted to respond. "I want to have sexy photos of this cow to louse up its chances for a congressional seat run this fall." Instead I lamely nodded my head.

So she jumps into the hay there and starts grabbing inside the cow's mouth. "Watch out," I say, "it's going to bite you."

"Aw, no. It ain't gonna. Cows only have teeth on the bottom of their mouth."

Thought I'd throw in an educational moment in there for you. Proves I learned something at State Fair.

The resulting photo is right there. She pulled the tongue out for me to take a picture of it. Gross as all get out. Now it can give you nightmares, too.


To wash the incident from our minds, we went to get a cream puff. Now, when I went with my friends, no incident. The line moved briskly, everyone got the correct order and no worries.

That's because my superpowers had not yet kicked into high gear.

Friday, I went back to the Fair and decided to grab a cream puff. The line was rather lengthy but I couldn't think of anything else to do and it moved pretty quick anyway. (Not like that darn "Superman" ride at Six Flags on Monday!) I got my Puff and actually ate that without incident either. However, the puff in my hands was not the one I should have had my eye on.


A very evil cream puff was lying in wait for me on the blacktop. And I, with the skill of a panther, stepped right in it. I'm still shocked I didn't fall completely over, but it was slick and it just must have been the fact that there were a lot of people nearby with good karma around that weren't destined to have me fall on them.


I was pretty po'ed, but I found a nice puddle that I'm sure already had decaying fecal matter from livestock already dissolving in it and rinsed the sole of my shoe.

Well, today I was at the Fair again and walking out of the park when I spied another cream puff lying in my path. I deftly navigated around it and found a park security person and told him about the puff. I said, "You better have someone clean that up. Someone could step in it and possibly injure themselves."

He looked me in the eye, laughing and said, "What type of idiot would step in a cream puff? Let alone fall over?"

I nodded at him knowingly and said, "You'd be surprised how many idiots would do something just like that."

Hope you had a great State Fair.

Sincerely,

Captain Catastrophe